The Inspiration Behind CITSA (Book 1)
This story is a dark, complex, multi-layered plot about navigating, healing and accepting trauma, intertwined with romance, action and mystery.
The inspiration behind this story is mostly from loss and trauma, and it's not just my story but also other's from my eyes. Even though it's a fun little mafia-esque story, some parts hold truth, are inspired by truth and are deeper than what I made them to be. They all represent real people and events in my life that has been narrated and exaggerated into a mostly fictional novel for... funsies lol
This book is a ginormous metaphor for me in so many ways. And if you're curious about the inspiration behind it, I'm happy to share it with you.
Why did I write this story?
I initially wrote this story as a way to escape when my dad passed away. While my mom didn't actually pass away, she didn't want to live anymore, and she was no longer Mom. And watching that, as a child, created its own category of pain. I had a strong desire to just leave and pretend like none of it was happening. The flight AND fight in me are strong haha but I had younger siblings, and if my mom did end up passing, all they had was me. So, I wrote.
Ali's Parents
Her parents' story is my parents' story. Their love story in my book is true, with the only difference being, my mom didn't take a train, she snuck across the Canadian border to marry my dad right before he deployed lol but, it's not my story to tell so...
Nik's Parents
His parents are a combination of both my great grandparents and grandparents. While I am very proud of my family's history, there is a lot of dark, generational trauma that comes with it. They didn't create anything like the Chair haha that part is fiction, but to survive, certain things were done. Times were different back then and my grandfathers did what they needed to survive. I don't want to speak ill of the dead and the history does not matter much anymore, so I'll just say, some things that happened to Nikolas is my uncle's story.
Nik's Men & Anna
I am from a long line of warriors and military men. This type of loyalty and bond has been bred into me and will always have a place in my books. All four men are inspired by real men that has left an imprint on my life. Love is not limited between lovers; it's in family too, born or found.
Reg represents my dad. Now before you wonder why I didn't give my dad a bigger role in the book lol Reg has an imperative role and will continue to in book 2. My dad was a man of little words, big impact. And that is exactly how I wrote Reg. Reg saving Ivan from drowning was also a real story of my dad's.
Henry and Anna represents an adopted uncle. This is why they're kindred souls in the book. This uncle stepped in and really guided me, as a north star and a friend, when my dad was terminal. He went through a lot in his life so his advice was profound and I grasped onto every bit of it. I would have lost my way without his words.
Aaron represents a good friend of mine that I'll never forget. In 2011, during the raid of Osama Bin Laden, a random bomb went off. He jumped in front of a fellow soldier to protect him.
Each of these men came to me in different times of my life, guiding me, setting the standards of men for me. None of them are in my life anymore.... but their words and memories are. And while they never had a chance to meet each other, I like to think they would've liked each other.
The lilies
I wrote them to represent the one part of Nik that kept him from being completely detached and inhuman - his mother. As the story transpires, the tulips (Ali) takes their place. When Ali picks the flowers and sets the lilies as the centerpiece, it is her way of honoring his mother. It's also the last mention of lilies - a letting go. I wanted this little metaphor to represent healing with time.
Rowan & Myra
They both represent a decline and snap in mental health when not dealt with in a healthy way. Myra represents holding onto grudges. Rowan represents compartmentalization. Both things I went through at one point in my life.
I also used Rowan as a double agent. He also represents all the good men I've hurt by being closed off. There's 3 men I want to apologize to. Good men, who just wanted to do right by me during a very dark time in my life. But we're not going to apologize because we've all moved on and I'm not trying to start shit lol but it doesn't matter how good a person is to you, if you are not in the right mindset, everything will be wrong.
Which is also the reason why I wrote Ali coming to the realization herself instead of Nik doing something grand and heroic to change her mind. Healing on your own time and with your own strength is one of the most powerful thing. If you can do that, you become so impenetrable.
Title & Dedication
The title Ardent is in honor of my husband who is my dark knight in shining armor.
The dedication is for those who are still looking for theirs.